Words of Wisdom Wednesday

Dealing with our Emotional Self

You may have heard of authentic leadership, the concept of being genuine and connecting with your employees, team or staff with your heart. It is about being transparent, painting a clear vision and connecting with those you lead. In this matter, you can accomplish great results. As women, we can use emotions and empathy to make great authentic leaders but being emotional creatures can also be devastating to our careers. Being authentic isn’t about being weak or weeping in front of our team. It is about making the right emotional empathetic connections at the right time.

So how do we control our emotional selves?  After all, we are driven by hormones that are sometimes hard to tame. Here are the ways I channel my roller coaster of emotions to avoid making regrettable missteps in my connections.

• First, I am clear on what kind of leader I want to be. I choose to be genuine, caring and lead by example. When I see my team struggling on a project, I want to be empathetic.  Before placing blame anywhere else, I first ask myself, "did I explain clearly my expectations or objective?" I look always at ways I can improve the way I connect and lead.
• Second, I know the kind of leader I don’t want to be. I don’t want to jump to conclusions or be influenced by others without having all the facts. I don’t want to react immediately and allow my actions to be driven by anger or negativity. This is not always easy to accomplish when we open an email that is ill intended and confrontational. It is equally as hard when we are in the middle of a disaccord with an emotional individual that is not rational or is saying hurtful things. As leaders, we must be clear that we have a thankless job. It is not common for people to stop and admire the work we do, as it is to hear what we are not doing right, or how they can do it better.

Dealing with written communication: When faced with these emotions through written communication, I take a step back. I walk away from my computer and immediately redirect my focus on something completely opposite. I take a walk -- it is scientifically proven that activity and exercise have a positive influence on our emotions. I rationalize the situation. I pretend that I am an outsider evaluating the issue. It makes me disconnect emotionally from the situation and bring logic to my response. If I am truly upset and distraught, I will avoid speaking with anyone to not inadvertently react to someone else or fail to stay positive. If I choose to respond to the email, I will save it as a draft and then read it again when I am at a calmer state. In most cases, I will choose to respond in person or by phone.

Dealing face to face with anger: If dealing in person with a confrontational situation, I will purposely change my body language. I will lean in to create a more attentive stance. I will be more thoughtful in listening to make sure that I can create harmony. I will purposely lower my voice to do the opposite of the aggressor. In the mirror image, many times we imitate the negative angry emotion and it becomes a battle; therefore, I am conscious of my response. I will then redirect my conversation with something obvious like “it is clear to me that this is very upsetting to you” or “I can clearly see how upset this situation has gotten you” or “I can clearly see that I have somehow upset you”. By stating the obvious, you bring an important element of awareness to the conversation and the person often finds themselves stopping to think about the comment. This provides an opportunity to redirect the emotion to either “let’s consider this” or “let me review this” or “give me a chance to think through a solution that will benefit both of us”. In the interim, I am speaking to my emotional self, keeping “me” in check to stay focused to look at this as an outsider and bring calmness to my mind.

Always remember to ask yourself, “will this matter in 5 minutes, 5 days or 5 years?”  Most problems we face seem like huge issues but in the big picture of life, they are insignificant.

-Bellaria Jimenez

Words of Wisdom Wednesday

Not Being Heard

Hello!!! I am Here!

If you are a woman in one of the many male dominated industries, you have probably experienced a time when you are not being heard.  I recently received a call from a financial advisor out in Colorado.  She is a millennial and so excited about the possibilities this business offers - from income opportunities to building your own business, but like many women she has already experienced the gender gap found in financial services.  In her most recent experience, she was in an informal setting and a business discussion began.  She surprisingly got a chance to ask a question and the dominant male at the table proceeded to respond without acknowledging or addressing her directly.  As women, this is a frustrating experience.  We feel all types of emotions ranging from shock, embarrassment, to feeling belittled and uncomfortable.  So how do we manage through this?   As women, we either shy away from speaking in these settings or we experience the frustration of just being ignored or not taken seriously.

Here are my tips for dealing with this situation.

1. Change your mindset. Put yourself in their shoes.  It isn’t you that is uncomfortable with the scenario - it is them.  As men, they are used to being in an all-boys club.  Now there is a woman in the locker room and they are in their underwear.  It is they that are uneasy with the situation so it is their defense mechanism to either ignore the women in the locker room or deal with their own insecurities in dealing with women.   Many men in these types of industries are not use to women as equals.  They have stay-at-home wives that may not have developed their own careers.  So, it isn’t always a matter of not knowing how to deal with women, it’s just not knowing how to deal with working women.
2. Not getting a word in?  As a petite woman, I have had to deal with my own set of compounded problems when it comes to being ignored.  I developed my own technique, when I know I should speak up or make a comment and I am being over powered by the boisterous voices of men - I simply stand up and speak.  This is always an attention grabber.  Everyone’s tendency is to look to see what is going on and quiet down.  If you are not comfortable for the dramatic, stand up, make your point and head on over to get some coffee as if that was always your intention.  It is a great trick that is sure to work and the only way to get men comfortable with your presence is to be a participatory contributor to the conversations.
3. Feel judged?  Are you terrified that you are going to be judged or your perspective isn’t going to be taken seriously?  Diversity in thought is what is needed in male dominated industries.  Continue to share, volunteer to implement your ideas, provide suggestions as to how it might work and how you can start a focus group or a pilot.  Do not give up on your great ideas.  Believe me, they might not see it now but your persistence will pay off.  Always provide an idea with a solution.

You are the future.  Keep in mind that we are changing to face of many of these industries and as younger recruits join, the male domination will decrease and eventually disappear.  The generational gap you are dealing with is only temporary and you have a lot more mileage left than your male counterparts.  So, hang in there and watch them retire out of the business.   The industry is leaving them in the dust.

-Bellaria Jimenez